


Goodnight Misery

by DeadMilitia



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Best Friends, Death, Grief, Other, Overdose, Platonic Love, Regret, Suicide, a lot of crying, depressed, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: "I remember one time you told me that losing someone doesn't necessarily get easier, you just get used to them not being there. I hope you've gotten used to me being gone. I don't want you to suffer and be depressed. Continue to be the literal human version of sunshine and show the world what love and compassion looks like. The world needs more of that, ya know." 

Three years after Dan's suicide, Phil discovers a letter adressed to him from Dan.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the product of me being extremely depressed. Like, I've spent most of the day crying or trying not to cry. Writing helps me get my feelings out which helps a lot.  
> Please be careful reading this! I don't want to trigger anyone!

As I finished packing the last box, I stopped to glance around the lounge, feeling a tight feeling in my chest. I had moved before, that wasn't what was hard, it was what I was leaving here. Looking around, I could still see Dan sitting in his sofa crease, scrolling through Tumblr or watching anime, or both. I remembered the many mornings we ate breakfast together and watched a show together, the times we had movie nights and argued over what movie snack to have. Even room in this house had memories attached to it. That was what made leaving the apartment so hard.

"Hey, are you done in here?" PJ asked, walking into the lounge. I nodded my head and forced myself to remain in control of my emotions.

"Yeah, it's just hard to say goodbye." I admitted, knowing PJ would understand what I really meant. He gave me a sympathetic look and nodded his head once before coming closer to me.

"You still have your memories and stories, your pictures, your videos, his videos. It'll be okay," he assured me, giving me a small smile. I tried to return it but couldn't get a convincing one out. PJ held out his arms for a hug which I accepted. After a tight and comforting hug, PJ said, "I'll be back tomorrow before the moving truck gets here. Hang in there, okay? Dan would want you to take this opportunity." I nodded, giving a more convincing smile this time.

"Thanks, see you in the morning. Have fun tonight," I told him, getting a smile and a 'thanks' in return. Since PJ was hardly in London, he was going out with some of his other friends tonight which left me alone with my thoughts and memories. After PJ was gone, I looked around the bare room again. I sighed heavily before going to what was once Dan's room. After he passed, his family came and boxed up his belongings to take home with them. It hurt more than I thought it would and I wanted them to leave his room exactly how he left it, but I knew I had no right to ask. It was their son and his stuff, they could do with it what they wanted.

Now the only things left in the room were his bed and a few little knick-knacks his parents left behind. I had packed up the little things left behind to take with me. I sat on the bed and thought about him, my eyes filling with tears.

"Well, I guess this is it. Before too much longer, someone new will be living here and they'll have no idea who we were. They'll not know all the memories made in this apartment. They won't know you existed. I know you aren't really here, but it feels like I'm leaving you behind. It feels like I'm losing you, Dan." I finally allowed myself to break down and get all of the emotions out. It had only been three years since Dan died. Sure, I stopped crying so much and went back to my new normal life, but it didn't mean it hurt any less. I still miss him every day, there's still moments throughout the day when all I want is to talk to Dan, to tell him something exciting or funny that happened. Mornings were weird when I watch a show I know Dan would have loved. Sometimes it was comforting to remember Dan and all of the times we had, to watch his videos or ones we did together, to read back on all of his tweets. But then other times, those same things made me cry.

"I wish I could have stopped you, Dan. I wish I had known how." I sobbed out.

\--------------------

PJ, Chris and I decided to just rent a truck and move ourselves. I figured it would be easier and cheaper than hiring a moving truck. I was carrying boxes down to the truck when PJ stopped me.

"I figure I know the answer, but are you taking Dan's bed?" He asked and I only nodded. He nodded once in response before heading back down the hall and to Dan's room with Chris. I carried the boxes down and to the truck and put them in before heading back up. When I got back in, PJ and Chris were standing in the hallway with slightly sympathetic looks on their faces.

"We found this under Dan's mattress. It's addressed to you," Chris explained, holding out a white envelope with my name in Dan's handwriting. My heart was pounding in my chest as I stared at the envelope. With shakey hands, I took the letter and stared down at my name. "Do you want to be alone?" Chris asked and I nodded. I got my feet to move enough to go to my empty bedroom. I shut the door and sat cross-legged on the floor. I spent a few minutes staring at the envelope, trying to build up the courage to open it. I knew what it most likely was. It was probably Dan's suicide note. But why was it under his mattress?

I took a deep breath before opening it and taking out the letter inside. I unfolded it with tears already in my eyes.

_"Hey Phil,_

_I hope it's been long enough that me being gone doesn't hurt as much. I hid this letter because I didn't want you to read it too soon after I'm gone. I don't want this to be seen as a suicide note but I guess that's what it kind of is. There's just a few things I want to say and I wanted to give you time to recover before hearing them._

_The first is that there was nothing you could have done to stop what I did. Please don't beat yourself up over it. I guess this is something I should have told you at the start. I've always been pretty messed up. You know that better than anyone else. This was bound to happen eventually and wasn't anyone's fault, especially not yours. You kept me on this earth for far longer than I would have been if I hadn't met you. So I want to thank you for being a good friend. You put up with me and took care of me. You showed me that it was possible for someone to actually care about me. I can never thank you enough for that._

_I know you're probably wondering why I did this and I wish I had a real answer. I wish I could tell exactly what caused me to do this but even I don't know. When I was fourteen I made the decision that I wasn't going to live to be eighteen. That decision was made simply because of how awful I felt and those feelings never really went away. You got me past age eighteen even before we met. Without you, I believe I would have done this sooner and never had the great experiences I got to have. I only found the courage to do the things I did because you believed in me._

_And I'm sorry to put you through this again. I know you lost a friend once before and it's not fair of me to make you go through this all over again. I remember one time you told me that losing someone doesn't necessarily get easier, you just get used to them not being there. I hope you've gotten used to me being gone. I don't want you to suffer and be depressed. Continue to be the literal human version of sunshine and show the world what love and compassion looks like. The world needs more of that, ya know._

_I've spent a lot of my life wondering what happens after we die. Do we just get buried and decompose? Do people move on and forget about us? Does anything we did on earth actually matter after death? Or is there an afterlife? If so, what's it like? Are we just ghost who wanders the earth for all eternity? But what would be the point in that? That would just make eternity as pointless as life. Is there a heaven and a hell? God and satan? I wish I knew the answers to these things. I wish I could see the afterlife and come back to tell you what it's like and if there really is anything after death. I wish I knew for my own sake, too. So I would know what to prepare for._

_Death is terrifying. I know I say that it doesn't bother me because I know it's going to happen to us all eventually, but that is only partially true. I know it happens to us all but it really does bother me. It's something I have no control over and I have no clue what to expect from it. Not only in whether or not there's an afterlife, but what does it feel like? I always imagined it as a sort of drifting off into sleep kind of feeling. But what if it's painful? I guess my death will be painful since I've chosen to take control over that aspect of my life, too._

_There's so much more I wish I could say right now. There's a lot of things I've thought over the years but never shared with another person. I started writing those thoughts down in a purple notebook though. It's stored on the shelf in my closet if you want to read those. I can't really stop you from reading them now so I figure it doesn't matter anymore._

_Please don't blame yourself, Phil. Thank you for finally giving me a best friend. You'll never fully understand what that meant to me. Please move on with your life. Keep making videos to brighten someone else's day. Please keeping being as loving, caring, and passionate as you are right now. And I promise if I come back as a ghost, you'll know I'm with you. I'll make my presence known to you the best I can because I don't want you to feel lonely. Just keep being Philip Michael Lester. The world definitely needs you._

_Love,_

_Dan."_

By the end of the letter I was crying loudly. I didn't care if PJ and Chris heard. I didn't care if the whole apartment complex heard me. No matter what Dan said, I will always feel that there was a way I could have saved him, something I could have said or done. I wanted to yell at him for even thinking that this would stop hurting. He was right, I don't believe it gets easier, you just learn to accept that they aren't coming back. There's not a day that his death doesn't hurt and I doubt there ever will be.

I knew something was wrong that night. I could tell Dan wasn't okay but I still left the house, I still left him alone. I should have stayed and got him to talk to me. I should have been there for him instead of going out that night. Maybe I had done that I wouldn't have come home to find him passed out in the bathroom, overdosed on pills. Maybe he would still be here making this move with me right now if I had just listened to my gut and realized something was terribly wrong with Dan. I could have saved him, I know I could have.

My crying soon turned into choking and gagging and before I knew it, I was throwing up on the floor. I didn't care that I just ruined the carpet and would be fined for it. Dan didn't have to die. I could have helped. I could have kept it from happening.

I was still gagging and coughing when the door opened and PJ and Chris barged in. They were at my side on the floor in a matter of seconds. Both trying their best to comfort me but it didn't help. Nothing would ever make this better. No amount of time was going to get me over losing my best friend. Not when I know I could have stopped it from happening. Dan got depressed sometimes and at the time, I just figured he needed some time to think things over, maybe cry, and then he would get through it just like every other time. In the back of my mind, I knew that wasn't the case. There was something more going on then but I ignored that and left him alone. I left him to die alone in that bathroom. That will always be my fault even if Dan didn't see it that way.

\------------------------

**2 Weeks Later:**

I finally finished unpacking and decorating my new apartment in a way that made me happy. I had things up around the apartment that belonged to Dan and I both. I wanted those little reminders of Dan. I wanted him to live on in memory and having those things made it easier to do. I had printed off pictures of Dan and I and hung them up around the apartment. I enjoyed seeing Dan's smiling face every day. I liked remembering how happy he had been at one point.

I sat down on the couch and grabbed the purple notebook off of the coffee table. I had asked Dan's parents if I could look through his things to see if I could find something important. They let me of course and I managed to find the notebook he mentioned in his letter. It was a three section notebook and was almost completely full with all of Dan's deepest thoughts that he never shared with anyone. I had always knonw that Dan was a deep person with a lot going on in his head. Had he been more confident in expressing his opinions then he would have changed a lot of people, maybe even changed things in society if he acted on his thoughts.

I wondered how much of this was stuff Dan was mumbling to himself about? I now wish I had listened more to what he was saying when I could hear him, but I always felt like that was an invasion on privacy. Those were personal thoughts and if he had wanted to share them with me, then he would have. But now here I am, reading what was basically his journal. It made me miss those late night conversations we used to have. It also made me miss him wandering around the house talking to himself like crazy person.

I knew Dan never really felt like he fit in to this world. He was definitely a weird person compared to most and that took a toll on him. He made the decision to leave this world because he felt it was the best thing, the most freeing thing. In the last two weeks I kept hoping for some sort of sign that Dan was with me. I hadn't ever really given much thought to ghosts. I never really decided whether I believed in them or not, but now I found myself hoping they're real. When something just mysteriously falls or moves with no real explanation, I secretely hope it's Dan giving me a sign that he's here.

During the move, I lost my phone and was afraid I had left it at the old apartment. PJ, Chris, and I searched the entire new apartment, the truck, boxes, everywhere and couldn't find it. Then when we walked back into the lounge, my phone was there, sitting on the coffee table. We all agreed that it hadn't been there before, it couldn't have been because how could we have missed it multiple times? I like to believe Dan put it there. I didn't express that opinion to Chris or PJ because they would probably think I'm crazy.

Having this notebook made me feel closer to Dan. It made me feel like he really was here with me, telling me these things himself. I may never get over thinking that I could have saved him but at least I know he doesn't blame me. At least I know he's still here with me in some way. I hadn't read the letter since the first time, I kept it safely tucked away in my sock drawer. I'll probably never get rid of the regret I feel and that's okay. I'll never get over thinking that Dan was afraid because he was alone that night. I'll never stop wondering if he regretted the decision when it became too late, if he wanted me there when he passed just to make it less scary.

I'll never get over Dan's death but I can at least keep him close to me.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're feeling suicidal, please reach out for help! I know it's scary, I've been there myself. I didn't reach out for help though and came very close to ending my life and I'm thankful now that I didn't succeed. Please, whatever is going on, talk to someone. Go to counseling/therapy, talk to a friend, a parent, a teacher, someone. There are a lot of online counseling centers too like 7 Cups of Tea and The Hopeline. And if you ever just need a friend, I'm here for you. I'm not a professional though and I can't help you like one, but I'll be a friend to you.   
> tumblr: dan-phil-obsessed


End file.
